invisibility

hmmm it’s been a while. well, these past few months, God has really tested every aspect of my life, from academic to family to sheer religion. but you know what? every bit of those trials were worth it, and as i proceeded with resilience, those problems became almost trivial to me. i was on the verge of losing my sanity, though. it was inevitable for me to drive all those people away for a while. actually, i think every person endures their own personal hell-bound experience in their lives one way or another. God has a sense of humor. just when you feel like you’re ready to raise your white flag, God inducts you to honor societies, decides to give you an early birthday present, and purges a huge thorn in your family. on the negative side, i have lost one of the greatest friends i have ever loved and will ever love in my life. when someone is feeling heart wrenching pain, it drives them to almost hatred. or maybe im fabricating misinterpreted feelings but nevertheless, im happy for him or her or it, regardless of what they think of me now lol. such a beautiful person, or thing. and if there ever comes a day when we see each other again, i would give him or her all the hugs i never got to fully express. lol or maybe not. who knows. 

and to all those people i haven’t reached out to in a long while, i still love you ever so dearly and sincerely. ive been working on my self for months so i hope when you see me, you see a better person, a rejuvenated person. peace. 

you don’t know how to love. you only think you do, and that’s why you’re still alone and sucking the life out of someone who doesn’t want you anymore: who doesn’t love you anymore. when that life is completely gone, all you’ll feel is the hatred coming from the person you selfishly stole from. 

love is SELFLESSNESS. you wouldn’t know anything about that because you continue to bombard someone with your attention when all that person wants is peace of mind; all that person wants is freedom from the world because when all is said and done, she will lose her sanity without solitude. she finds comfort in her loneliness right now. she yearns for it, yet you hinder it. she can’t sleep, eat, breathe without trembling in fear. you’re a nightmare and all she can do is pray to God for comfort. every night she prays he would forget about her. she is exhausted in every way possible. you should be proud of yourself for inventing a new way to torture a person. 

you wanted a post, well here it is. you may care, but love is out of the question. read the bible instead of basing your definition of love on romance novels and movies. i hope you won’t ever have to bother another girl like this again. 

If it’s come down to your own child giving you advice about trust, then your family is in a serious predicament. What do you expect me to tell you when I have no idea what the third party is scheming behind all of this? Do I have any legitimate reason to falsely accuse someone that lives half across the world? Why can’t you just leave now. Every day that passes by, it seems like your love is deemed unnecessary to me, to us. It doesn’t help at all when you raise your voice and embarrass us under this clustered house because these walls weren’t meant to contain secrets. And this, I am beginning to see through your secret that you’re tightly grasping with every fabric of your being. These fabrics transact from the quilt of what used to be, actually what never was. I’ve come to realize that I can live. I can support. Just give me a few more years. I’ll give you what you want but everything comes with a price. You’ll regret what you’re doing because you exchanged my pride for your happiness. I’m ever more humble and you’re still jolting carelessly. How dare you admit it to my face. Do you even have an inkling of what the word selflessness means? At least its gist? Because I’ve never really felt it from you. Maybe I did or maybe I was just fooling my self in order to cope with all the bullshit you fed us. I didn’t know your true nature when I was a child because if I did, I would’ve hated you to this day. You’re lucky I love God and I am a forgiving person. An ever-growing, gradual process that may not finish in time due to the countless tallies that I have placed inside throughout the years. Please be kind. Please stop lying. I can endure pain, adversity, as long as something positive blossoms out of it. I guess, this is all inevitable, unfortunately. 

sweet memories still lingering in my mind. 

I always thought to myself that if people really had the compassion to aid the helpless (and I am not just referring to the needy) then why are there more third world countries than celebrities? More money than food for the poor? More ambition than education for our children, education that should be established all around the world? We are no better than those who sin without guilt. We witness what’s going on and yet we choose to not act. If I had the power to change lives for the better I would. Unfortunately, that is not enough to justify every evil, crude act that had and has been occurring since humans walked the earth. 

Love of God will always empower us. I pray the day will come when God will save each and every one of us from ourselves. Nobody is crazy. We are all misunderstood in a world focused on judging people when we have absolutely no right to do so but God. 

I haven’t preached about God in such a long time. Always remember that as long as you have a single breath in your body, you’ll still have the energy to whisper to God your troubles and he will wash them all away. Thank you for those people who have made me realize again that God will always be there, always. <3

Is it okay to want and not want to go to college at the same time? I mean I know that I want to start something new and grow up but what if people around you change? I was always afraid of letting those I cared the most move on. I’m still going to hang out with my old friends, especially Jane, aaahhh love that girl to death, but damn. Okay honestly what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know how a particular person is going to manage in a state university. I wish I could fully trust this person but I guess it’s normal to feel this way. I’m not going to be in his life every second of the day. I will give him that essential space and watch on the sidelines. Whenever he needs me I’ll cheer him on and support anything that he decides to do, even if it means I won’t be in that plan.